Diwali 2021

To the ones celebrating Diwali away from their toxic family households this year. You won, but it’s just the beginning. Not all families are good for mental health, not all of them are supporting or understand what we go through, especially when we ourselves can’t comprehend what’s going on.

As the rest of the world celebrates the festival with their loved ones, as they upload happy pictures of themselves in new clothes, as they burst crackers, there’s a part of us which yearns for that kind of a time, for that kind of a family, for that kind of a vibe.

Yet here we are, just like any other day fighting the demons in our head. Having a panic attack as we walk down a street because people intimidate us. To the ones with sound sensitivity, trying to catch our breath as the sound of the crackers give us anxiety attacks and the tightness in the chest feels like it’s been there forever. We feel like it’s a crime to not be living up to the spirit of the festivities.

And despite all of this, it’s okay. It’s okay to have our own way of celebrating a festival.
Alone, away from the toxic households, figuring out myself in this process. Cooking for myself with a hot cup of chai, sketching, writing, looking at the moon and the stars around midnight after the sound of the crackers have gone down. To go to the terrace to see the lights far away. The silence, the peace.

And I sit there writing down all the things clouding my mind after a conversation with my internalized demons. And I find the nearest Diya and burn the paper down. And with the burning paper, I’m trying to let go of the negative thoughts, my insecurities, my doubts about myself, and above all — to never give up on hope. Because hope for the better and striving for a better mentally, physically healthy life is all I yearn for this Diwali.