Tired of the bullshit grading system
I’ve been an above-average student since I was a kid. Usually scoring above 80% in all tests and exams. I’m not boasting, just read completely please. And yet, somehow it was all insufficient to my parents, to my family. Somehow I felt like I was incapable of being loved.
How do I impress them? How do I get them to love me? Isn’t all that we do at the end of the day is to be loved a little more? Deprivation of love in your childhood can either break you or make you strong, usually a bit of both at times (my case).
As someone who’s perfectly anxious and a procrastinator, I feel like slapping the ones real hard when they say good marks come to me automatically and that I’ll fare well in my exams. Bullshit. It’s something that’s been fucking my mind for over 3–4 years. Time to tell it out.
People only view a marks sheet, they do not have the slightest clue as to what one has to go through to get those tiny digits on a piece of paper, which they’ll never look back into, in another 10 years.
I remember the nights, the long fucking nights, the time not passing by, the procrastination till the end of the time, my hands shaking due to the stress, the chest pain, gastritis, my head exploding, and me trying to process as much as information into my head until the last minute, till I enter the exam hall.
And the shakes never stopped as I walked towards the exam hall or sat in my place. I’d call my cousin and tell him that I’ll write one particular subject next semester because I didn’t think I would score well and I hadn’t studied properly. Multiple breakdowns minutes before the externals in the 3rd semester, I thank my friends (Vandana and Aishwarya), wouldn’t have gotten through it without them. They didn’t talk to me, they didn’t tell me soothing words, they were just there for me. Their presence was enough, they accompanied me to the exam hall. That was all I needed, that’s what people with chronic anxiety need, somebody to be there.
When one has lost control of everything in their life, including their own mind, we struggle to at least be in control of our marks. We find satisfaction that at least there’s a part of life we haven’t fucked up. Why? Because that’s what the fucking society has taught us. That’s what we’re fed upon. But to what extent?
I look back and only see my mental health deteriorating, my family members are still not satisfied with my marks and the degree I’m least interested in. So fuck it, enough with the mental torture. Even when you do everything right, someone somewhere will find a fault in it. Find a fault in you.
I’m currently in my 6th semester, with an aggregate CGPA of 8.5. Is my father satisfied? Nope. Other family members? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Will I fuck up my mental health to score high marks and do things that I’m incapable of? Nope. Will I continue striving to get my parents to be proud of me? Nope. Am I scared I may not end up with a good job? Hell, no. I can manage. Will I try to base my worth on my marks? Nope. Will society stop doing that too? Hahahahaha I don’t think so.
Will I try to stop seeking validation from others? Yes. Will I put my mental health first and score passing marks and still be satisfied with it? Yep. Because love, I’m proud of where I stand and till where I’ve come. Me, myself, and I, those opinions are the only ones I should be giving a shit about thereafter.
